Why is it so difficult to focus on making my life right? Simple, the one up there enjoy challenging me. When this thing finally goes the right way, that thing screw up. Never gonna be smooth two ways or more. Am happy now for my career path, a new and challenging job of my interest and a part time job that I'm so damn familiar with. Future looking bright isn't it? Personal life? Screwed up, dunno what to look forward to. Gosh! Why must it be so difficult? So hard to keep going trying to balance my emotion that way. I already given up hoping for good things in life. All I want is a fulfilling life, a career that I'll wake up and look forward to going to work, a companion that I can wake up to seeing his loving and smiley face and last but not least clear my debts and live happily.
But it's just so difficult, all so difficult. Simple word, the solution to my problem? Money... The root of all evil... No doubt I got myself into the mess I am in today. But everything happens for a reason. Which goes way back and no point talking about it. What done can't be undone. All I can do now is to make it right. How? Same word, money. Once the issue is money, no matter how u try to make it up in other ways it's never gonna help. Once u owe money or if the issue is about money you'll suffer. There's nothing much u can say or do about someone treating u badly or saying anything about u when u owe them money. It's especially painful and difficult if it's with the one u love. Coz this will leads to the relationship cracking up. Especially difficult if u got to face each other everyday. Having to take all kinds of attitude and live unhappily everyday. It just make life so difficult and miserable.
If there's no miracle, it could be time for me to find a place to house myself. Again it's another difficult issue, half my things somewhere which I need to move by end of this month. Half of my things here where I dun feel a sense of belonging anymore and may be on the verge of having to move soon if miracle doesn't happen. Wah... My head is gonna blast!
I really really give up on a lot of things. I just wanna pay back whatever money I owe whoever and live life anew. As long as i can live happily even if I'm alone at the end of the day, it doesn't matter. Life is already so miserable, happiness is something money can't buy. Can u imagine how miserable I am? No money and no happiness. Lol... I can give up on a lot of things. But I'm not really to give up on my life yet. So, u! Yes, u up there! Pls stop torturing me. Give me a new life. Everyone has their flaws. Yes, I hv a major flaw that ruin my life big time but other than that I'm not that bad a woman after all. Please don't make it so difficult for me can? I hv suffered enough since I'm born. Just give me a new life and a new start coz I'm not ready to give up yet. I'm not ready to lost it all. I know my life is not gonna be just like that forever. Give me the strength!
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2 comments:
Hi, I clicked on your blog link after seeing your pic with Jas in my FB news feed and thinking...wah chiobu!!!....haiz...my hands really itchy, i shouldn"t have clicked....your blog very depressing leh...gonna try and offer you some words of solace which will probably do nothing for you but here goes....
I went thru similar shit in 97", My $$$ was wiped out in the Asian financial crisis and i owe 6-7 banks $$$, need to go for operation, breakup, etc etc....basically all the shit.....one thing you can do to cheer yourself up is to take a walk through some hospitals...you see patients in tubes, suffering, sounds of crying, some old and dying with no hope of recovery.....suddenly your problems are put in perspective....seeing others suffer more than you suddenly lessen your own suffering, maybe even cheer you up....yeah, its a bit twisted but it does work.....if it doesn"t...well....all the best to you....
btw I think u r the gal i lim kopi together with Jas at Suntec a long time back....if u r that person, u look like a rich tai tai, didnt know u suffer so much shit...will chant some Taoist good luck spells for u...cheers!!
Jimmy
Thanks for ur encouragement. My life is really shitty and tough... Am tired... But can't give up on my life yet... Dunno how long more I need to struggle and suffer? Haiz... Never judge a book by it's cover... I wished I am as gd as it looks... But no, hell no...
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