It's the time of the year when all chinese celebrate new year. As for me, I don't really like the Chinese New Year or those family festive holidays. For those who read my blogs will know the reason why. I only grow up with my dad and many nannies and relatives. I never had a place called home. Home = a place with warm, love, family, security and relationships. To me everywhere I go is a house, house = a roof over my head, period.
Since young I hardly go visiting as my dad is quite outcast in a way. Not that he was outcast by the rest of the family members, it's more like he outcast others. Anyway, my dad is so hot tempered that all his brothers tend to stay away from him except 1 or 2 of them. Also my dad is a gambler when he's young and all my jewellery is usually in the pawn shop and only be able out during Chinese New Year for me to wear and I hate it, I rather don't wear.
Reunion dinner? I have never had a proper one, most of the time I would just go to bf's place or not have reunion dinner as a few period of time I was not in contact with my dad. Even when we are in contact, reunion dinner is never proper. Just me and him and some simple stuff. I have a wish since young which is a normal affair for others but for me I will never have a chance to do it and feel it. (Shit, tears are flowing out of my eyes uncontrollably) I have always wished that I have a chance to have a simple meal with just my mum and dad, a proper family meal. It'll never happen in this life time of mine. So simple yet it's impossible, sobs.
New Year always make me feel alot, not happiness, no joy just emptiness and loneliness. I have to be strong, I have no choice. Sometime I wished I could be just the typical woman, cry as and when I want, be dependant and a little soft so that man feel a need to protect. But that's just not me, I can't be like that, I cannot afford to.
I have been struggling for the longest time, partly due to the fact that I used to gamble and owe a lot of debts and I still do now with many banks and friends. Also that I've stayed out by myself since 16 and supported myself since 13++. I do not gamble for just the fun of it and I am not addicted to gambling. I do not deny I like to gamble but most of the time I just wished that I can make some extra cash so my life will be easier, which I know that's not right. So instead of making my life better, it gotten worse.
Most of my friends would tell me one thing, "Alycia, almost everything is good about you except you like to gamble!" Haiz, I know my bad, I always do. But, haiz... That's human isn't it? Who doesn't make mistakes? Who doesn't have bad points? No one is perfect. I'm all alone all by myself and trying to make my life easier. I do not want to make money against my pride and principle.
Some friend's would tell me, forget about pride and principle and make good money in the shortest time by being a hostess. I have nothing against anyone in that trade, they are still making money and working their way but I just couldn't make that kind of money although I know that if I want to I could be bloody rich now. But that's not how I want to make my life easier as I know that there's hardly a way to turn back once you step in it.
Anyway, let me tell you guys another drama mama true story about my dad during one Chinese New Year when I was just a teenager. One of the Chinese New Year donkey years back, on the first day of Chinese New Year, my dad woke me up in the morning and asked me for sleeping pills. The reason he gave was that he couldn't sleep. Of course I didn't have what he wants, so I told him I don't have it and carry on to sleep.
After a short while I felt that something is wrong so I went to look for him inside his room. We stay in a one room flat and I slept in the living room since young. When I went to the room door it was locked. I happen to have the spare key so I open it up. He was laying on the floor face flat with lots of different kind of pills laying on the table beside a bottle of Bacardi rum with a glass of pills mixed with Bacardi and coke.
Damn! He was trying to commit suicide on the first day of Chinese New Year! Then I found out he had a quarrel with his then galfriend. He was supposed to go out with his galfriend and her daughters and another family. Something happen and she didn't want to meet him and he was upset. Oh my god, what a childish move. I didn't know to cry or laugh at him.
The next thing I did was calling the galfriend and she rushed down to my place with her daughters and the other family that was out with them. It was so embarrassing, it's the first day of Chinese New Year and he did that?? Gosh! They were so worried wanted to send him to the hospital.
Guess what happen next? He got up, say he is ok and doesn't need to go to the hospital. Went to take a shower and told them he is ok to go out with them! Faint!!! Really don't know what to do say...
2009 was not too bad a year but nothing fantastic either. Life have not been easier but I've got to know a lot of nice friends. Friends which helped me alot and supported me in many ways and I thank you all if you are reading it. In life you never know what happens next and I just want to make the best out of mine. I was told by some people I'm over confident and some says I'm negative many of the time. Well, which ever way it is I'm still surviving and I know I will have to make my life better from now.
This year we have valentine's day together woth the new year. I don't know if it's a good or bad thing as I am all alone now, not attached and no one to spend valentine's day with. But I'm glad to have many good friends around which I'm sure would spend the new year with me. What would I do without all my dear friends?? This new year I am going to tell u guys this which I never did before, "I LOVE U ALL MY DEAREST FRIENDS!!!"
Time for me to work towards making my life better and fufilling as I have wasted too much time. I hereby wished all my friends a propser new year and may good fortune and good healthy befall you, your family and friends.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
HUAT AH!!!
Friday, February 12, 2010
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
How To Choose Happiness With Words
Happiness is simply a state of mind. No, I’m not implying that we can instantly heal the pain of a severe or unexpected personal tragedy just by thinking about being happy. Rather, I am referring to our levels of happiness on routine days when things in our lives are close to normal. In these neutral times, when we are neither ecstatic nor extremely sad, the slightest change in attitude can swing our happiness balance drastically in either a positive or negative direction. One of the primary factors that affect our attitude is our choice of words.
Words have a lot of power and influence on both the speaker and the listener. When we speak we sometimes unintentionally choose words that have a negative undertone. This can make us seem unhappy (and negative) in the eyes of others. Even worse, after we have spoken these words our unconscious mind starts believing in them. “If this is what came out of my mouth, it must be the way I truly feel.”
However, this is not always true. The first fleeting words that come to mind are not necessarily the most accurate representation of our feelings and intentions. We must realize that we have the power to choose the words we use, and if we pick them carefully, they can change the way we feel.
Here are three typical scenarios where positive language can inject positivity and happiness into our lives.
Inject Happiness into Casual Communication
Typically, when I ask someone “How are you?” they reply, “I’m fine” or “I’m okay.” But one lazy Monday afternoon last month a new colleague of mine replied, “Oh, I am fabulous!” It made me smile, so I asked him what was making him feel so fabulous and he said, “I’m healthy, my family is healthy, and we live in a free country. So I don’t have any reason not to be happy.” The difference was simply his attitude and his choice of words. He wasn’t necessarily any better off than anyone else, but he seemed twenty times happier.
It really struck a chord with me. Suddenly I realized that I have a choice. I can either say “the glass is half empty” or “the glass is half full.” Why not rejoice in the fact that, thankfully, I don’t have anything to be terribly upset about.
So now when someone asks me how I am doing, I say “I’m doing wonderful!” or “Everything is awesome!” or something similar that reflects a positive, happy mood. Since I’ve made a regular habit of doing this, multiple friends and acquaintances have noticed a positive change in my attitude. And I do genuinely feel happier. Also, it seems like the people around me are smiling more now too. So I guess it’s contagious.
Keep Friendly Discussions Friendly
We’ve all been involved in friendly discussions that turn into heated arguments. This usually results in a complete breakdown of productive communication. The reason for this is simple. When people get into heated arguments they get unhappy, and unhappy people are not productive. More often than not these arguments transpire due to our choice of words rather than our point of views. If communicated peacefully and appropriately people usually tolerate each other’s perspectives pretty well. Hence, it’s very important to choose our words wisely even when we strongly disagree with someone.
■Instead of telling the other person “You always…” try saying “Sometimes you…”.
■Instead of saying “That’s not true,” try saying “I don’t think I completely understand your point of view.”
■Instead of telling your friend “I don’t want to go to that bar,” you can say “Oh, we can go to that bar too if you want, but I would rather…”
Using words that make the other person feel negated always creates negativity in conversations. On the other hand, choosing words that assure the listeners that their perspectives are being respected drastically improves the chances of getting your point across without heating things up.
Wendell Johnson once said:
*Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
Maintain a Hopeful Outlook
When we are talking or thinking about ourselves we are typically the least careful with our choice of words. We assume that there are no restrictions on what to say or how to think about our own person. In some situations this might be true, but the positivity or negativity of our words and thoughts still affect us.
For example, there is a huge difference between saying “I wish I have a house that big someday” versus “It would be great to have a house that big someday.” The latter gives a greater sense of possibility and confidence which allows us to believe that ‘yes’ it is possible and ‘yes’ it could happen one day. Whereas, using words like ‘I wish’ makes it seem unreachable and impossible, which generally leads to feelings of discontentment.
Conclusion
These are just some simple examples that illustrate how important it is to choose and use positive words. Remember, our words transparently coincide with our mindset. Positive language creates a healthy balance between our mind and our heart.
Words have a lot of power and influence on both the speaker and the listener. When we speak we sometimes unintentionally choose words that have a negative undertone. This can make us seem unhappy (and negative) in the eyes of others. Even worse, after we have spoken these words our unconscious mind starts believing in them. “If this is what came out of my mouth, it must be the way I truly feel.”
However, this is not always true. The first fleeting words that come to mind are not necessarily the most accurate representation of our feelings and intentions. We must realize that we have the power to choose the words we use, and if we pick them carefully, they can change the way we feel.
Here are three typical scenarios where positive language can inject positivity and happiness into our lives.
Inject Happiness into Casual Communication
Typically, when I ask someone “How are you?” they reply, “I’m fine” or “I’m okay.” But one lazy Monday afternoon last month a new colleague of mine replied, “Oh, I am fabulous!” It made me smile, so I asked him what was making him feel so fabulous and he said, “I’m healthy, my family is healthy, and we live in a free country. So I don’t have any reason not to be happy.” The difference was simply his attitude and his choice of words. He wasn’t necessarily any better off than anyone else, but he seemed twenty times happier.
It really struck a chord with me. Suddenly I realized that I have a choice. I can either say “the glass is half empty” or “the glass is half full.” Why not rejoice in the fact that, thankfully, I don’t have anything to be terribly upset about.
So now when someone asks me how I am doing, I say “I’m doing wonderful!” or “Everything is awesome!” or something similar that reflects a positive, happy mood. Since I’ve made a regular habit of doing this, multiple friends and acquaintances have noticed a positive change in my attitude. And I do genuinely feel happier. Also, it seems like the people around me are smiling more now too. So I guess it’s contagious.
Keep Friendly Discussions Friendly
We’ve all been involved in friendly discussions that turn into heated arguments. This usually results in a complete breakdown of productive communication. The reason for this is simple. When people get into heated arguments they get unhappy, and unhappy people are not productive. More often than not these arguments transpire due to our choice of words rather than our point of views. If communicated peacefully and appropriately people usually tolerate each other’s perspectives pretty well. Hence, it’s very important to choose our words wisely even when we strongly disagree with someone.
■Instead of telling the other person “You always…” try saying “Sometimes you…”.
■Instead of saying “That’s not true,” try saying “I don’t think I completely understand your point of view.”
■Instead of telling your friend “I don’t want to go to that bar,” you can say “Oh, we can go to that bar too if you want, but I would rather…”
Using words that make the other person feel negated always creates negativity in conversations. On the other hand, choosing words that assure the listeners that their perspectives are being respected drastically improves the chances of getting your point across without heating things up.
Wendell Johnson once said:
*Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
Maintain a Hopeful Outlook
When we are talking or thinking about ourselves we are typically the least careful with our choice of words. We assume that there are no restrictions on what to say or how to think about our own person. In some situations this might be true, but the positivity or negativity of our words and thoughts still affect us.
For example, there is a huge difference between saying “I wish I have a house that big someday” versus “It would be great to have a house that big someday.” The latter gives a greater sense of possibility and confidence which allows us to believe that ‘yes’ it is possible and ‘yes’ it could happen one day. Whereas, using words like ‘I wish’ makes it seem unreachable and impossible, which generally leads to feelings of discontentment.
Conclusion
These are just some simple examples that illustrate how important it is to choose and use positive words. Remember, our words transparently coincide with our mindset. Positive language creates a healthy balance between our mind and our heart.
Differences Of Winners and Losers
Successful people are winners in our society. But what are the factors that make them so different from others? I have pondered about this question for a while and I found that there are some striking differences between winners and losers. Winners operate in a totally different frame of mind compared to losers and that is why they always got the results that losers dream of. So read on for the list of 33 differences between winners and losers.
Striking Differences Between Winners and Losers:
Winners vs Losers
1. Winners focus on solutions. Losers focus on problems.
2. Winners take responsibility. Losers blame others.
3. Winners find opportunities in crisis. Losers complain about crisis.
4. Winners enjoy being in the present and learn from the past. Losers live in the past.
5. Winners make commitment and keep them no matter what. Losers make promises that they always break.
6. Winners think about how they can achieve. Losers give excuses.
7. Winners make personal development a priority. Losers neglect personal development.
8. Winners face their fear, accept it and take the leap. Losers dwell in their fear.
9. Winners constantly expand their comfort zone. Losers stay in their comfort zone.
10. Winners take action consistently. Losers refrain from taking action and lack consistency.
11. Winners take failure in their stride and learn from them. Losers fear failure and avoid them at all cost.
12. Winners try different strategies when they are not getting the results they want. Losers do the same thing over and over again expecting different results.
13. Winners set goals. Losers lack goals.
14. Winners plan. Losers hate having a plan.
15. Winners believe there are always things to be learn. Losers consider themselves as an expert even though they know little.
16. Winners are humble. Losers are egoistic.
17. Winners continue to hone their skill every other day without fail. Losers make little effort in honing their skill.
18. Winners work hard. Losers avoid work.
19. Winners give their best for the things that they decide to do. Losers work half heartedly in everything that they do.
20. Winners are persistent and will do whatever it takes (ethical means) to achieve their goal. Losers give up when obstacles pop up.
21. Winners manage their time well and indulge in high value activities that will bring them closer to their goals. Losers lack time management skills and indulge in time wasting activities like playing games and watching re runs for the umpteen time.
22. Winners dream in the day. Losers dream in bed.
23. Winners think about possibilities. Losers focus on obstacles that will stop them from achieving.
24. Winners are certain. Losers doubt.
25. Winners control their own destiny. Losers leave everything to their fate.
26. Winners give more than they take. Losers take more than they give.
27. Winners think whether the crowd is going in the right direction. If not, he will walk the other direction. Losers follow the crowd.
28. Winners think and lead. Losers refuse to think so they follow.
29. Winners listen. Losers fight for every chance to talk.
30. Winners always find a better way to do things. Losers stick to one way of doing things.
31. Winners spend money in seminars and classes to improve themselves. Losers think that spending money on seminars and classes is a waste of money and they prefer to buy toys that gives them instant gratification.
32. Winners help others to win. Losers refuse to help and think only about their own benefit.
33. Winners find like minded people like themselves that can bring them to greater height. Losers find like minded people like themselves that will drag them to failure.
Parting Words
Winners and losers are largely differentiated by their way of thinking. It means that if your thinking tend to be nearer to the Losers approach, it is possible for you to shift yourself back to the Winners way of thinking. All you need is to be 100% honest with yourself, admit that some part of your life needs to be change and work on it.
So which side are you on?
Striking Differences Between Winners and Losers:
Winners vs Losers
1. Winners focus on solutions. Losers focus on problems.
2. Winners take responsibility. Losers blame others.
3. Winners find opportunities in crisis. Losers complain about crisis.
4. Winners enjoy being in the present and learn from the past. Losers live in the past.
5. Winners make commitment and keep them no matter what. Losers make promises that they always break.
6. Winners think about how they can achieve. Losers give excuses.
7. Winners make personal development a priority. Losers neglect personal development.
8. Winners face their fear, accept it and take the leap. Losers dwell in their fear.
9. Winners constantly expand their comfort zone. Losers stay in their comfort zone.
10. Winners take action consistently. Losers refrain from taking action and lack consistency.
11. Winners take failure in their stride and learn from them. Losers fear failure and avoid them at all cost.
12. Winners try different strategies when they are not getting the results they want. Losers do the same thing over and over again expecting different results.
13. Winners set goals. Losers lack goals.
14. Winners plan. Losers hate having a plan.
15. Winners believe there are always things to be learn. Losers consider themselves as an expert even though they know little.
16. Winners are humble. Losers are egoistic.
17. Winners continue to hone their skill every other day without fail. Losers make little effort in honing their skill.
18. Winners work hard. Losers avoid work.
19. Winners give their best for the things that they decide to do. Losers work half heartedly in everything that they do.
20. Winners are persistent and will do whatever it takes (ethical means) to achieve their goal. Losers give up when obstacles pop up.
21. Winners manage their time well and indulge in high value activities that will bring them closer to their goals. Losers lack time management skills and indulge in time wasting activities like playing games and watching re runs for the umpteen time.
22. Winners dream in the day. Losers dream in bed.
23. Winners think about possibilities. Losers focus on obstacles that will stop them from achieving.
24. Winners are certain. Losers doubt.
25. Winners control their own destiny. Losers leave everything to their fate.
26. Winners give more than they take. Losers take more than they give.
27. Winners think whether the crowd is going in the right direction. If not, he will walk the other direction. Losers follow the crowd.
28. Winners think and lead. Losers refuse to think so they follow.
29. Winners listen. Losers fight for every chance to talk.
30. Winners always find a better way to do things. Losers stick to one way of doing things.
31. Winners spend money in seminars and classes to improve themselves. Losers think that spending money on seminars and classes is a waste of money and they prefer to buy toys that gives them instant gratification.
32. Winners help others to win. Losers refuse to help and think only about their own benefit.
33. Winners find like minded people like themselves that can bring them to greater height. Losers find like minded people like themselves that will drag them to failure.
Parting Words
Winners and losers are largely differentiated by their way of thinking. It means that if your thinking tend to be nearer to the Losers approach, it is possible for you to shift yourself back to the Winners way of thinking. All you need is to be 100% honest with yourself, admit that some part of your life needs to be change and work on it.
So which side are you on?
The Pursuit of Happiness Becomes True Happiness
Let’s face it. We all want to be happy. The pursuit of happiness is a common pursuit. We all realize, sooner or later, that outer success does not produce lasting happiness.
So what does? Loving ourselves and loving others. In fact, we can only love others authentically when we love ourselves.
So why is it that some people seem to feel self love easily, while others spend their lives searching in relationships or career accomplishments to find it? While it may seem cliche, the answer does seem to point to experiences in childhood.
What we know as self esteem begins, originally, in the esteem parents have for their children. Through the simplest acts of touch, attention to feelings, and guidance toward accomplishment, a child comes to see their own worth reflected in their parents’ eyes. They see themselves as love-able i.e. worthy and able to be loved.
These feelings are so powerful that they have been found to influence longevity. When through various forms of abuse and neglect a child fails to get this mirror of love, two things happen. First the child begins to take in the feeling of defectiveness or un-loveability. Since, to a child, a parent is God, parental abuse and neglect (including insensitivity to feelings) is experienced as justified. "If mommy or daddy treats me this way, it must be my fault."
A second thing also happens. Children are masters at devising strategies to get love or prevent abandonment. A common "protective strategy" is perfectionism. "If I'm perfect, then mommy or daddy will love me."
The search for perfection can become a lifetime one, whether it be for the perfect partner, the perfect accomplishment, or the perfect amusement or "high." But the result will always be disappointing. Nothing can replace self love.
Is there hope for those who didn't get enough love in childhood? The answer is a resounding yes!! But like anything worthwhile, it takes effort. The key is in the way we experience our memories of parenting.
Rather than being simply static memories from childhood, each of us carries within our mind an "inner parent," a voice which talks to us much as our parents did. If our parenting was primarily supportive, our self talk will be so also. If our parenting was primarily negative, we will tend to be self critical much of the time.
Some of this self criticism will be a simple replay of what we heard. More often, though, a child criticizes themselves to protect their relationship with parents. In this fact lies both the source of much of our distress -- and the seed of our renewal.
Once we realize that people with high self-esteem talk lovingly to themselves -- especially when under stress, and those with low self-esteem are self critical, we create for ourselves a pathway to change. The goal becomes changing the way we talk to ourselves.
Three Steps to Move from a Pursuit of Happiness to True Happiness Step One: AwarenessIt’s amazing how differently we can talk to ourselves at different times. If we're having a good day, our mind often reflects this in positive thoughts. Often, at such times, our mind can be very quiet and peaceful.
Contrast this with times we're under stress or after experiencing some disappointment. At those times our mind can be quite negative and quite "busy."
In my experience, when our mind is full of anxiety, and general static, we are often re-experiencing a "child state of mind." In essence, a negative life event has sent us shuttling back in time to experience younger feelings. Once we can recognize how we've gone from feeling expansive and adult to insecure and childlike we have an amazing gift. We can feel compassion.
Step Two: Compassion: When ever we shift into an insecure child state of mind (we all do at times), we each "go home" to specific inner experiences of support, abuse, or neglect. Depending on our particular childhood, we will be able to generate self love and self care at such times, or not.
But whatever happens, it’s not our fault. This fact is crucial. Once we recognize that it’s only by the luck of the draw that we go home, in our minds, to inner parental support, we become more empathic.
We can feel love for ourselves and our particular story. From that compassion we can truly take better care of ourselves. We can undertake authentic adult action.
Step Three: Authentic Adult ActionIn a child state of mind, we often feel passive and helpless. Our self talk includes either anxious statements like "I'll never be good enough," " I can't do it," "If only," or self critical ones "snap out of it," "grow up," or "stop making a mountain out of a molehill."
Once we recognize that we're in a child state, and have compassion to our unique childhood experience, we need to actively assert our adult energies. Authentic adult actions are those which help us shift us out of a child state to a more expansive and adult sense of ourselves. Simply put, authentic adult action involves greater self care.
Sometimes this involves just accepting our current feelings as a reflection of earlier childhood experience. At other times, it includes actively taking better care of needs. Whether it be preparing a nice meal for ourselves or calling a friend, authentic adult action is, in essence, being like a "positive self parent."
Often, too, authentic adult action involves challenging our stream of negative self talk. This is much easier to do when we realize that we're in a child state of mind. We may be stuck in the pursuit of happiness and not truly happy. Whenever we're having catastrophic "what if" thoughts about the future, we can become more relaxed if we recognize that our thinking may be more that of a young child than a full adult.
This can give us compassion -- and, often, a humorous perspective. The three keys to self love and truer happiness are awareness, compassion, and authentic adult action.
So what does? Loving ourselves and loving others. In fact, we can only love others authentically when we love ourselves.
So why is it that some people seem to feel self love easily, while others spend their lives searching in relationships or career accomplishments to find it? While it may seem cliche, the answer does seem to point to experiences in childhood.
What we know as self esteem begins, originally, in the esteem parents have for their children. Through the simplest acts of touch, attention to feelings, and guidance toward accomplishment, a child comes to see their own worth reflected in their parents’ eyes. They see themselves as love-able i.e. worthy and able to be loved.
These feelings are so powerful that they have been found to influence longevity. When through various forms of abuse and neglect a child fails to get this mirror of love, two things happen. First the child begins to take in the feeling of defectiveness or un-loveability. Since, to a child, a parent is God, parental abuse and neglect (including insensitivity to feelings) is experienced as justified. "If mommy or daddy treats me this way, it must be my fault."
A second thing also happens. Children are masters at devising strategies to get love or prevent abandonment. A common "protective strategy" is perfectionism. "If I'm perfect, then mommy or daddy will love me."
The search for perfection can become a lifetime one, whether it be for the perfect partner, the perfect accomplishment, or the perfect amusement or "high." But the result will always be disappointing. Nothing can replace self love.
Is there hope for those who didn't get enough love in childhood? The answer is a resounding yes!! But like anything worthwhile, it takes effort. The key is in the way we experience our memories of parenting.
Rather than being simply static memories from childhood, each of us carries within our mind an "inner parent," a voice which talks to us much as our parents did. If our parenting was primarily supportive, our self talk will be so also. If our parenting was primarily negative, we will tend to be self critical much of the time.
Some of this self criticism will be a simple replay of what we heard. More often, though, a child criticizes themselves to protect their relationship with parents. In this fact lies both the source of much of our distress -- and the seed of our renewal.
Once we realize that people with high self-esteem talk lovingly to themselves -- especially when under stress, and those with low self-esteem are self critical, we create for ourselves a pathway to change. The goal becomes changing the way we talk to ourselves.
Three Steps to Move from a Pursuit of Happiness to True Happiness Step One: AwarenessIt’s amazing how differently we can talk to ourselves at different times. If we're having a good day, our mind often reflects this in positive thoughts. Often, at such times, our mind can be very quiet and peaceful.
Contrast this with times we're under stress or after experiencing some disappointment. At those times our mind can be quite negative and quite "busy."
In my experience, when our mind is full of anxiety, and general static, we are often re-experiencing a "child state of mind." In essence, a negative life event has sent us shuttling back in time to experience younger feelings. Once we can recognize how we've gone from feeling expansive and adult to insecure and childlike we have an amazing gift. We can feel compassion.
Step Two: Compassion: When ever we shift into an insecure child state of mind (we all do at times), we each "go home" to specific inner experiences of support, abuse, or neglect. Depending on our particular childhood, we will be able to generate self love and self care at such times, or not.
But whatever happens, it’s not our fault. This fact is crucial. Once we recognize that it’s only by the luck of the draw that we go home, in our minds, to inner parental support, we become more empathic.
We can feel love for ourselves and our particular story. From that compassion we can truly take better care of ourselves. We can undertake authentic adult action.
Step Three: Authentic Adult ActionIn a child state of mind, we often feel passive and helpless. Our self talk includes either anxious statements like "I'll never be good enough," " I can't do it," "If only," or self critical ones "snap out of it," "grow up," or "stop making a mountain out of a molehill."
Once we recognize that we're in a child state, and have compassion to our unique childhood experience, we need to actively assert our adult energies. Authentic adult actions are those which help us shift us out of a child state to a more expansive and adult sense of ourselves. Simply put, authentic adult action involves greater self care.
Sometimes this involves just accepting our current feelings as a reflection of earlier childhood experience. At other times, it includes actively taking better care of needs. Whether it be preparing a nice meal for ourselves or calling a friend, authentic adult action is, in essence, being like a "positive self parent."
Often, too, authentic adult action involves challenging our stream of negative self talk. This is much easier to do when we realize that we're in a child state of mind. We may be stuck in the pursuit of happiness and not truly happy. Whenever we're having catastrophic "what if" thoughts about the future, we can become more relaxed if we recognize that our thinking may be more that of a young child than a full adult.
This can give us compassion -- and, often, a humorous perspective. The three keys to self love and truer happiness are awareness, compassion, and authentic adult action.
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