Part 9 - It's the Chinese New Year again...

It's the time of the year when all chinese celebrate new year. As for me, I don't really like the Chinese New Year or those family festive holidays. For those who read my blogs will know the reason why. I only grow up with my dad and many nannies and relatives. I never had a place called home. Home = a place with warm, love, family, security and relationships. To me everywhere I go is a house, house = a roof over my head, period.

Since young I hardly go visiting as my dad is quite outcast in a way. Not that he was outcast by the rest of the family members, it's more like he outcast others. Anyway, my dad is so hot tempered that all his brothers tend to stay away from him except 1 or 2 of them. Also my dad is a gambler when he's young and all my jewellery is usually in the pawn shop and only be able out during Chinese New Year for me to wear and I hate it, I rather don't wear.

Reunion dinner? I have never had a proper one, most of the time I would just go to bf's place or not have reunion dinner as a few period of time I was not in contact with my dad. Even when we are in contact, reunion dinner is never proper. Just me and him and some simple stuff. I have a wish since young which is a normal affair for others but for me I will never have a chance to do it and feel it. (Shit, tears are flowing out of my eyes uncontrollably) I have always wished that I have a chance to have a simple meal with just my mum and dad, a proper family meal. It'll never happen in this life time of mine. So simple yet it's impossible, sobs.

New Year always make me feel alot, not happiness, no joy just emptiness and loneliness. I have to be strong, I have no choice. Sometime I wished I could be just the typical woman, cry as and when I want, be dependant and a little soft so that man feel a need to protect. But that's just not me, I can't be like that, I cannot afford to.

I have been struggling for the longest time, partly due to the fact that I used to gamble and owe a lot of debts and I still do now with many banks and friends. Also that I've stayed out by myself since 16 and supported myself since 13++. I do not gamble for just the fun of it and I am not addicted to gambling. I do not deny I like to gamble but most of the time I just wished that I can make some extra cash so my life will be easier, which I know that's not right. So instead of making my life better, it gotten worse.

Most of my friends would tell me one thing, "Alycia, almost everything is good about you except you like to gamble!" Haiz, I know my bad, I always do. But, haiz... That's human isn't it? Who doesn't make mistakes? Who doesn't have bad points? No one is perfect. I'm all alone all by myself and trying to make my life easier. I do not want to make money against my pride and principle.

Some friend's would tell me, forget about pride and principle and make good money in the shortest time by being a hostess. I have nothing against anyone in that trade, they are still making money and working their way but I just couldn't make that kind of money although I know that if I want to I could be bloody rich now. But that's not how I want to make my life easier as I know that there's hardly a way to turn back once you step in it.

Anyway, let me tell you guys another drama mama true story about my dad during one Chinese New Year when I was just a teenager. One of the Chinese New Year donkey years back, on the first day of Chinese New Year, my dad woke me up in the morning and asked me for sleeping pills. The reason he gave was that he couldn't sleep. Of course I didn't have what he wants, so I told him I don't have it and carry on to sleep.

After a short while I felt that something is wrong so I went to look for him inside his room. We stay in a one room flat and I slept in the living room since young. When I went to the room door it was locked. I happen to have the spare key so I open it up. He was laying on the floor face flat with lots of different kind of pills laying on the table beside a bottle of Bacardi rum with a glass of pills mixed with Bacardi and coke.

Damn! He was trying to commit suicide on the first day of Chinese New Year! Then I found out he had a quarrel with his then galfriend. He was supposed to go out with his galfriend and her daughters and another family. Something happen and she didn't want to meet him and he was upset. Oh my god, what a childish move. I didn't know to cry or laugh at him.

The next thing I did was calling the galfriend and she rushed down to my place with her daughters and the other family that was out with them. It was so embarrassing, it's the first day of Chinese New Year and he did that?? Gosh! They were so worried wanted to send him to the hospital.

Guess what happen next? He got up, say he is ok and doesn't need to go to the hospital. Went to take a shower and told them he is ok to go out with them! Faint!!! Really don't know what to do say...

2009 was not too bad a year but nothing fantastic either. Life have not been easier but I've got to know a lot of nice friends. Friends which helped me alot and supported me in many ways and I thank you all if you are reading it. In life you never know what happens next and I just want to make the best out of mine. I was told by some people I'm over confident and some says I'm negative many of the time. Well, which ever way it is I'm still surviving and I know I will have to make my life better from now.

This year we have valentine's day together woth the new year. I don't know if it's a good or bad thing as I am all alone now, not attached and no one to spend valentine's day with. But I'm glad to have many good friends around which I'm sure would spend the new year with me. What would I do without all my dear friends?? This new year I am going to tell u guys this which I never did before, "I LOVE U ALL MY DEAREST FRIENDS!!!"

Time for me to work towards making my life better and fufilling as I have wasted too much time. I hereby wished all my friends a propser new year and may good fortune and good healthy befall you, your family and friends.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

HUAT AH!!!